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[ The Used to World | Rewind Please ]
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Popular Mechanics [06 Jun 2007|11:00pm]
[ mood | Clear ]

It's important to write this here, in my old journal. It applies not only to the recent version of my perceived self, but also to the person I once was, the person who brought me where I am today.

Only through the reflections of a mind overwhelmed, have I realized how necessary the "some what dramatic" events of my recent life have been.

I no longer live in a foreign household and I am essentially no longer part of a foreign organization. I've been pretending without understanding that I was doing just that: pretending.

This is why it's been so hard to merge and assimilate because I've come to understand I never truly wanted to. I thought it was my niche, but I never really paid attention. I was swept away with familiarity, and confused it with what I believed was belonging.

Only through the actions of others does it seem possible for me to release myself from the box I have personally constructed.

Everytime I hear another story I feel further and further from the people I once desperately thought I wanted to feel close to.
I am not those people and, no matter how hard I try to be, I don't want to be.

Three years of pretending with pretenders.
It's easy to loose sight when you pretend you can't see. It's all loose and figurative, but it weighs just as much in meaning as my "Through the Ages" textbook does in pounds. ( I am so excited about that.)

And this is all okay, and okay... and okay. If you don't understand this or care, it's okay because you don't have to. And if it's poorly written it's okay because I have the rest of my life to become a better writer or to ignore it completely. It's all just so goddamn peachy and okay because it's just highschool and this doesn't have to be so serious. I can't even rent a car to drive someplace else.

Good news though, I am not dreading senior year. It's going to be different from the others, for obvious reasons, but so drop dead exciting.

I am clearer today to everyone because I am no longer trying to be be someone else. It's quite simple.

Truth be told, I am actually an art kid.

[13 Aug 2006|06:48pm]
So friday I turned 17 and to put it simply,
I don't write about the same feelings, ideas, and experiences as I did when I was 14.

I went back and forth,
debating whether or not I wanted to keep this whole livejournal thing up,
and decided that a new journal would suffice.

I started this journal mid summer-ish and sporadically updated here and there.
A few double entries, a few originals. Perhaps it will continue to be of use.


When I go for a ride [04 Aug 2006|11:31am]
[ mood | Almost silly ]

I am so tired of having blue hair! A week is long enough for anyone. Time to change.

In other news, I dyed my mother's hair blonde. I mean, platinum blonde.
She normally is a brunette, however when I showed up she was rocking the dirty strawberry blonde. Not anymore, hahahaha.


18 Became a Dissapearing ActBecame Dissapearing Acts | Turn Invisible...

The boys across the street are animals [31 Jul 2006|05:38pm]
[ mood | utterly spent ]

I don't know what happens.

It has to get worse before it gets better.
That's what they all say, right?

[I start to have fun with everyone, but then there is a crescendo of irrational fear.]

I want to relate these days, I used to do it well. But now I'm just so afraid of failing that I'd rather not try at all.
It's such shitty sportsmanship. So screw it.

That's the last night I try to leave.
That's the last time I give up speaking.
That's the last.
I don't want to feel inaccessible. anymore.

And well, next time I'll go head first into... whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing at this age.
Because those kids aren't so bad. Kids in general aren't so bad, maybe.
I'm going to stop screwing people over socially. I'm sorry I do it to you.

I keep speaking of the things I'm "going" to do. So right now, I'm stopping this "future talk" bullshit.
Now it's action time.

8 Became a Dissapearing ActBecame Dissapearing Acts | Turn Invisible...

Second Session [26 Jul 2006|05:54pm]
My preoccupation with writing in the present tense has only slightly lost it's novelty.
Here's the past.

[I've been really pretentious this entire summer.]

Partly because I am so sick of everything.
Mostly because I am a raving coward.

I'm leaving again on Sunday. To Indiana.
When I come back, I will turn 17 and stop being so damn afraid of people.

Not because I'm turning 17,
but simply because why the hell not?
It's as good a time as any.

4:24 AM is the longest minute of my life [17 Jul 2006|06:16pm]
I run around because I don't know what else I should do at this point in time.

This is what happens,
I get accustomed to unstructured.

I am waiting until I can be anywhere I'd like.
It feels too far away.

I leave for South Carolina tomorrow.

I'm feeling good.

In a city that swells [14 Jul 2006|04:33pm]
[ mood | Bland ]

In public places I keep posting old pictures of people.

I'm feeling passive, possibly.

Predictable, probably.

Dead Disco [10 Jul 2006|05:42pm]
[ mood | Glancing ]

I'm deep?
I'm deep.

These past days are a slur of bodies and conversation.

Maybe being sociable with people my own age won't kill me. I might even be enjoying it.

Clouds. That's what white would smell like. Elusive and fucking beautiful.
I'm showing up places in my pajamas.

[06 Jul 2006|04:55pm]
Pretty Girls Make Graves- All Medicated Geniuses

There's a kid with a golden arm
He admits to the forest fire
That he started up from a lack of something better going on

This kid with the golden arm
He admits to the forest fire
That he started up from a lack of something better going on
Tell your friends it's a four alarm
Just a smoke screen, we're all liars
Better to stew in discontent then to admit we’re wrong

Our motivations out to sea
And our ideas, they die so quickly

This town has good hearts
Bad blood, emotional scars
Never gettin to say what you really wanna say
This town has good hearts
Bad blood, emotional scars
Never gettin to say what you really wanna say

We all lie so well
We all lie so well

There's a kid with a golden arm
He admits to the forest fire
That he started up from a lack of something better going on
Tell your friends it's a four alarm
Just a smoke screen, we're all liars
Better to stew in discontent then to admit we’re wrong

If misery loves company
Then it seems to swim so much more forcibly in the song of other peoples failures

Doctor, do you have a remedy?
Doctor, this is not alright by me
Do you think that you have the strength for a city that's so spent and sick?

We all lie so well
We all lie so well

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VERONICA [02 Jul 2006|12:23pm]


Yesterday he makes me breakfast.



This is why I cannot speak;
He makes me speechless.

Brilliant Acting [29 Jun 2006|02:42pm]
I loose my Spider House virginity
Jen, Steven, Alek,
and a slew of women I've never properly met,
which I am alright with

The caffeine cancels out whatever else
is slowly swimming in my system
and I break even
Alek speaks, talks, promotes
homelessness, rolling and ocular penetration
I just can't stop laughing.

I stick my head out of Jen's window on the way home
"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite"

I guess I steal lines from mediocre books
and hang out in empty houses

The Postal Service plays
We kiss
I catch every green light on the way home

[26 Jun 2006|03:54pm]
[ mood | Huh ]

Sometimes I want to push you down
kiss you
tell you
how sick you sometimes make me,
how you could be so much better,
[better than them]
touch you
give you the credit you deserve
Because I like you that much.

Center Stage [22 Jun 2006|05:58pm]
[ mood | Unsettled ]

It scares me to understand that most parts of life are scripted.

Now think about it
Do you mosh because the music moves you
Do you mosh because you've already planned to.


At those shows, you all just wait for your cue.
...Doesn't that scare you?

My Aunt is going to Rwanda in July and I am so jealous.

Chase Michelle, it sounds like a game [20 Jun 2006|02:52pm]
[ mood | Composite ]

Some afternoon I receive an unexpected telephone call.
He plays a game on the other line because;
he knows who I am
and I can't tell his voice from all the others

Some amount of days later
we go out to lunch
Eating at a cafe of flowers
And I hug my second mother while she tells me
how beautiful her blonde daughter is

I agree

He mentally blindfolds me
[because I am the one driving]
and gives me directions to desserts on a lake
but there's a damn 25 minute wait

So we move onto something cooler
And perhaps considered flashy
Four times as flashy
He tips the company 8 dollars and some change
I tell him I need to change
He says he might change,
change to lunch in the soap opera hallway

I hit him when he tells me this
I hit him hard
I almost cry.
and say
"No way, not like the others

We've got 7 years on them
Enough time to drink as much as you'd like
I know you're a drinker,
I'll have a flavoured one, while you have an original"

Today [13 Jun 2006|05:49pm]
[ mood | Intense ]

My day earlier, presented in a present tense:

I am on a lunch break,
on a bench
somewhere downtown
In a skirt and heels, drinking my coffee [which is proclaiming the label of excellence and expense in the coffee industry]

I am also speaking with a young man
A young man infatuated with the art of photography
One I've never seen before

and I am wondering, where do all of these lovely men come from

He touches my hair, I smile and eventually touch his.
We have the same hair color from a box.
We never exchange names, then
[I'll never want to see him again]I leave.

and come back here,
back into the proper tense
I am still at work. At my office desk.

I need a movie in the dark. Call.

[10 Jun 2006|07:27pm]

So Yeah!
2 Became a Dissapearing ActBecame Dissapearing Acts | Turn Invisible...

And now I make too much noise reading, flicking through rubbish [05 Jun 2006|12:59am]
[ mood | Dreading ]

I could never have a corporate job for the rest of my life.
It's almost more than I can handle now. All of those deadlines and stress factors. But I's continuing because I almost have to.

I could be doing something so much better with my time.

Turn Invisible...

The chase is for a white wall [03 Jun 2006|07:21pm]
[ mood | Well now what? ]

[Lord Brewer, Sir Rutlidge, and Lady Bailey went to the Paramount today to see a viewing of Bunkbed Brothers. It has been deemed a rather tasteful play. And by god if Rick Flair taght me anything, it was what a figure four looks like. Cheers.]
[It's funny, see. Sometimes people in my life conjure up a less seen side of my personality. I think it's from awe or maybe fear. Something like that.

But in all honesty, I'm not like this through and through... I'm just not initially easy to know. I believe once before I used the word "inaccessible". Ask most of the kids in theatre. They don't really know me at all.]

[Get me out of this stage.]

Edit: I've changed my mind, and don't wish to speak of such things anymore.

7 Became a Dissapearing ActBecame Dissapearing Acts | Turn Invisible...

Points of Convergence [01 Jun 2006|02:20am]
[ mood | Almost ]

Sometimes I open myself up to the sky
and I just wait with my arms extended.

I wait for the sky to pour
or to shift colour

or to unabashedly cloud my vision with something so beautifully blinding I can hardly catch my breath.

You know, the sky's not really the sky at all.

It's simply a nice figure of speech living in my line of vision,
next to all those faceless you's.

How many have you seen [25 May 2006|07:32pm]
[ mood | Distantly present ]

I waited for it to finally set in.

Only when I saw the reality of the end for some, did the wheels in my mind decide to process this fact:
Summer is upon us.

Had this been 6 months ago, I might have cared some. But I've got other things to attend to.

I've decided to eff summerschool. I'd rather be doing 20 hours a week up north.

Veronica, Becky, and Lexi, oh my.
So many men (over the age of 40) at Deep Eddy wear package bearing attire. How... distasteful. On a positive note, my legs are slightly less pasty.

I've decided this is a new favourite band. So thanks. I guess one of my top 15 gets bumped off of myspace!
It's a joke.
But seriously.

Hey, we should spend time together this summer, you and I.

8 Became a Dissapearing ActBecame Dissapearing Acts | Turn Invisible...

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